You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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