Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
