So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
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he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
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Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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