Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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