i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
