I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
