I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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