where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
