Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He is an equal opportunity slut.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
