just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
It's shark week go big or go home