She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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