Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
