my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
