I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
and you fell through a lawn chair
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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