I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
