i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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