I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
did i just pee glitter
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
