I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Floor bacon is actually really good
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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