A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
