Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
