You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
