hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just want nice things and good sex
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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