Your face is a jimmy john
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
