just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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