Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
