My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize