I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
