every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
