..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
