tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
