she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
