I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
