I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
