The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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