Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
