Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Come back. Shots need mouths.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
