I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
