Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
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I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
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Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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