i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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