my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
