Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
