Just mADE A PArabola og urine
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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