I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
