I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
