I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
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I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I think I sprained my soul last night
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
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I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series