Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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