You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
