he thought i was a dude.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
