My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
