I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
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