Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
