Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
