opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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