My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
