You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
