And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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