She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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