i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
