before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
