Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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