genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It's official drugs can't kill me
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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