so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
