look no pants
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Let's get the cat blown out
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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